How can I forgive myself when the shame of what I did keeps replaying in my mind years later, even though I’ve repented?
The shame that keeps replaying years after you repented is not Allah refusing you. He moved past this long before you did. What returns is memory, and memory has a way of dragging the old scene back onto the stage until we mistake the pain of it for justice. It is not justice. It is a wound that has not yet been allowed to heal.
Consider how your Lord speaks to the one who is bowed down by his past. He does not scold. He calls such a servant His own, and He forbids the very despair you have been drowning in.
“Say: O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins.”
Qur’an, Az-Zumar 39:53 · meaning
He said all sins. Not most of them, not the small ones alone. When Allah forgives, He forgives completely, and there is something strange in a servant going on punishing what the King has already pardoned. The Prophet, peace be upon him, showed how wide that door stands open.
“A servant committed a sin and said: O Allah, forgive me my sin. Allah said: My servant has committed a sin and knew that he has a Lord who forgives sin and takes to account for sin. (This happened three times, and then Allah said:) Do what you wish, for I have forgiven you.”
Hadith Qudsi, Sahih Muslim (2758a) · meaning
Our scholars explain those closing words with care, and the explanation is theirs, not part of the narration: “do what you wish” is not a licence to sin. It means that so long as the servant keeps turning back in repentance, this door keeps opening for him.
Those who study the healing of the heart in our own day draw a line between remorse, which softens a person and moves him to grow, and self-punishment, which replays the past and changes nothing. The Sunnah has known this all along. It takes regret and turns it into hope and quiet action, not into a courtroom where you sit forever as the accused.
So when the memory comes back, do not meet it with self-hatred. Meet it with a word of istighfar and one small kindness, and let it pass. The one who repented and still grieves over what was is not the one who slipped. Honour that. Allah has forgiven you; now walk in step with His mercy.
One small step: Each time the old scene replays, answer it with a single sentence, “Allah has forgiven this, and I am walking forward,” then do one tiny good act, so the memory becomes a doorway to goodness rather than a locked cell.