Repentance & the Return

Do I need to confess my sin to a scholar or a pir for my tawbah to be accepted, or can I go straight to Allah alone? Does Allah actually love someone who keeps messing up and coming back, or does He just tolerate us out of obligation? Every Ramadan I feel close to Allah and change completely, but by the second week of Shawwal I’m back to my old self. How do I make it last? How can I forgive myself when the shame of what I did keeps replaying in my mind years later, even though I’ve repented? How do I hold on to hope in Allah’s mercy without that hope becoming an excuse to keep sinning carelessly? I honestly feel I’ve crossed a line. My sins are too many and too ugly, and I quietly believe I’m beyond forgiveness. Is that true? I keep committing the same sin, then repenting, then falling into it again. Doesn’t my tawbah become a joke to Allah after the hundredth time? I made tawbah with real tears once, but the desire for the sin is still burning inside me. Was my repentance even real if I still want it? I made tawbah years ago, but something I wrote and shared back then is still out there, still being passed around. I have stopped, yet the harm has not. How can my repentance be complete while my old sin is still spreading without me? I’ve heard that a person who sins and repents can end up dearer to Allah than someone who never sinned. That sounds too good to be true, is it real? If Allah forgives all sins so easily, doesn’t that make sinning less serious? Why should I even fear it? Is saying ‘astaghfirullah’ with my tongue enough, or do I have to feel something in my heart for it to count? Is there really a difference between falling down on the path and falling off it altogether? Because when I slip, it feels like I’ve left the road completely. One big slip and I feel all my years of prayer, fasting and good deeds are wiped out and worthless. Is one sin really enough to erase everything? Sometimes I delay repenting because I think I’ll do it properly later when I’ve fully stopped the sin. Is it foolish to keep asking forgiveness while I’m still slipping? The people I hurt while I was sinning have moved on or won’t speak to me. Can my tawbah be complete if I can’t make things right with them? The Shaytan whispers that since I’ve already ruined today with one sin, I might as well enjoy the rest of the day and repent later. How do I answer that voice? What actually makes a tawbah ‘sincere’? I say the words of istighfar all the time but nothing seems to change inside me. When I finally do turn back after months of running away, I feel too ashamed to even lift my hands to pray. Won’t Allah be angry that I only come when I’m desperate? Whenever I decide to leave a sin, my old friends and environment pull me right back in. Is my tawbah doomed if I can’t change everyone around me?