I grew up being told a man does not show softness. Now my kids seem afraid of me. Is tenderness with children a weakness in a father?
You were handed a picture of manhood and you carried it honestly, because you were told that is what strength looks like. Now you see a distance between you and your children, and it troubles you. That trouble is worth listening to. It is not a sign that something is broken in you; it is a sign that the affection is there and has never been let out.
Look at how the Prophet (peace be upon him) was with children. He would take his grandson in his arms and kiss him in full view of others, and saw nothing small in it. A man of the desert once watched this and said that he had ten children and had never kissed a single one, because that was the custom he had inherited, as you inherited yours.
“Whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.”
The Prophet (peace be upon him), Sahih al-Bukhari (6013) · meaning
Notice what this opens. Mercy is not something a man spends and loses. It is the channel through which the mercy of Allah comes back to him. The strongest man who ever walked this earth was also the most affectionate, and in him the two were never at odds.
There is more. In prayer, standing before his Lord, when his grandson climbed onto his back, he lengthened his prostration rather than move the child off.
He prolonged his prostration because his grandson had climbed upon his back.
Narrated by Shaddad ibn al-Had (may Allah be pleased with him), Sunan al-Nasa’i (1141); also in Musnad Ahmad, graded sahih · meaning
His patience with a child did not lower his worship; it made that worship warmer and more alive. What people who study fatherhood today observe runs in the same direction: a father’s warmth is what grows a child’s confidence and sense of safety. And warmth and respect tend to grow together, the one making room for the other. Your children do not need a wall. They need a tree they can climb and sit under.
So there is nothing here to demolish, only something to let out. The affection you were taught to hide is not gone; it is waiting for permission. Give it that permission a little at a time, and the fear in those small eyes will turn into gladness.
One small step: Today, pick one unhurried moment, bedtime will do, and put your hand on your child’s head or give a warm embrace, with no correction and no lesson attached.